Everyone here is now dumber for having listened to it…

6 Apr

Barbara Grufferman starts of this article at the Huffington Post by saying “I don’t live under a rock”. This makes me wonder where she could possibly live that would cause her to write the article that she did. If there are small, impressionable children around please keep them away.

Ms Grufferman uses her article to spin a tale about some new boy band called One Direction. I wouldn’t be writing this is that’s all she did, but no, she states that One Direction, are in fact the “new” Beatles. Yeah, those Beatles.


From the article;

One Direction’s first album debuted at No. 1 on the Billboard 200 chart. “Up All Night” sold 176,000 copies and gave One Direction the distinction of being the first British group to enter the chart at this position.

Wow! 176,000 albums, that’s quite an impressive feat. Excuse me for just a moment while I look something up.

.

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Ah yes, here it is, the Wikipedia List of The Beatles’ record sales. The list is kind of long so I’ll just select a few points.

  • “Can’t Buy Me Love” sold 940,225 copies in the US the day it was released (March 16, 1964), shattering all previous sales records.
  • By August 1964, the Beatles had sold approximately 80 million records globally. (Variety 235, August 12, 1964)
  • By February 1965, their global sales had moved over 100 million records. (Variety 237, February 3, 1965)
  • Most no. 1 singles in the Billboard Hot 100 charts (20 no.1s).
  • Most no. 1 albums in the Billboard Top 200 albums charts (19 no.1 albums).
  • Most weeks at no. 1 in the Billboard albums chart (132 weeks at no. 1).
  • Most songs in the Billboard Top 5 at the same time (5 songs on April 4, 1964).

What are records anyway, The Beatles were a fluke right?

Judge for yourself, here’s a video from their whatever NBC’s morning show is called concert that’s used in the HuffPost story.

How does it feel to share the exact same thoughts that I did?

Perhaps I’m a bit crazy, but I don’t think Sir Paul McCartney is going to have to worry about his place in music history anytime soon, if this is the best we can do.

I likeThe Beatles,but i’m not a Beatle-Maniac so, let’s give Ms Grufferman one more shot;

They sing about trying harder at relationships, taking responsibility when things aren’t working and trying to figure out how to make it better. They muse over why the focus of their love doesn’t see what the rest of the world sees: how truly beautiful she is. They sing about love and hope and partnership, not about being a knight in shining armor who has come to rescue the damsel in distress. The songs are empowering because they are unabashedly romantic.

The secret to their success? One Direction songs are to pop music what the “Twilight” series is to books: teen love and yearning without the sex. Definitely mother approved.

I hadn’t realized that referencing responsibility and hard-work were the keys to a successful song. How foolish of me.

Furthermore, anytime something is compared to Twilight is a kiss of death. There is no better reference for a hollow, vapid, or characteristically flat, piece of contemporary work other thanTwilight, book or movie!

The Beatles were successful because they were a band, made up of musicians. For the younger readers, Musicians are old-timey folk who played instruments and wrote their own music. Scholars believe they’ve been extinct for some time now.

You’re going to compare One Direction to The Beatles? These kids couldn’t carry Ringo Starr’s jockstrap! Don’t ask me why Ringo Starr wears a jockstrap. They’re music is the breeze from Paul McCartney’s rear. (*Note* It’s hard referencing band members when only two are alive).

This band group, has a shelf-life of two years, max. Five prepubescent boys hopping around on stage in front of a bunch of 12-year old girls may work for a while, but soon those girls are gonna be in high school and consider themselves “adults”. They won’t have time for such childish things, no it’ll Katy Perry almost exclusively (if her own shelf-life isn’t reached anyway).

Music is no longer the music industry. It’s entertainment now. Throw a bunch of cute boys in a group, write some simple tunes and take the big fat check to the bank (I want mine in supersize prize winning form please). The moment sales starting trailing off, the record company will try to wring a few last pennies from the group like a wet sponge before unceremoniously forgetting them in the cheapo bin at Wal*Mart. I assure you it’s much cheaper and more lucrative to throw another 5 boys together, than reinvigorate the old ones who now demand more money since they’ve become old enough to drive.

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